Matt the Landscaper has been busy in the front yard, putting down new sod and cleaning up the flower beds that I routinely neglect. I usually go out and tell him how beautiful everything is and how I was going to work in the flower beds, but hadn't gotten around to it. He acts like he believes what I am saying, but since he does have a measurable IQ, I'm sure he'd rather I just save my breath and let him work.Anyhow, a few years ago I had this border plant around some of my flower beds in the front. It had grown to gargantuan proportions and I decided (my IQ has yet to be measured) that the plant needed to be in the backyard flower beds. Luckily Matt had some helpers, so I decided that they should dig up this plant (which google tells me is named liriope) and replant it in the back.
Fast forward a few years and I now have Liriope Gone Wild in the backyard. It grows up so big and bushy that you can't fully appreciate anything behind it. It also makes it difficult to manage the unseeable plants behind it (which gives me another excuse for not doing yard work), and is not pretty. So, when Matt started back on the front yard, I decided that Liri needed to go - forever.
Yesterday I mentioned to Matt that I wanted to take it all out. He said, "You sure have a lot of it." I casually mentioned that I would start taking it out today. Herein lies today's story, which is basically "How to take out Five Feet of Liriope in Two Hours In 15 Easy Steps." Rather than attempt to tell you the whole story, I'll just do it in Cliff Notes fashion.
Step 1 - make sure you do this during the hottest part of the summer because it's the dumbest time to do it.
Step 2 - make no specific plan about how you're going to do this - otherwise you will not do it because you realize it is a dumb thing to do.
Step 3 - go to butt camp at 5:45 and lift weights and run around and other such nonsense because then you will have jelly arms and lifting the pick ax won't register because you have no feeling in your arms anyway.
Step 4 - wait until the last possible moment to start this project. For me it was 10 am, just as the day is getting nice and hot and sunny.
Step 5 - dress for the job - for me it was my Disney crocs (no socks), shorts, and the t-shirt I slept in last night.
Step 6 - get the appropriate tools. I apparently have sold/given to my kids all my tools that would be applicable (think shovel or hoe). The only thing I have retained is a pick ax which apparently nobody wanted because the pick ax blade part is no longer secured to the end and slides down to your hands if you hold it up. Seriously. But of course, with my IQ, I decide that it will do just fine and head out to the yard.
Step 7 - start hacking at the ground in an effort to loosen up the root ball so that I can pull out the offending plant. After about five hacks to the ground, I realize that I am hacking up the ground and dirt is flying everywhere - mainly inside my crocs which is not making my bare feet happy.
Step 8 - go inside to put on socks. Walk outside and decide that will not be enough, as dirt will still be irritating feet, so return inside to put on worst pair of tie-up tennis shoes.
Step 9 - continue hacking, pull up first plant. Decide that sweat pouring into eyes is irritating, so go back inside to get sweat band for forehead.
Step 10 - continue hacking, pull up another plant. Decide that since it is probably 120 degrees outside, perhaps some heat exhaustion prevention is needed. Go inside and prepare ice chest full of ice packs and water and get two rags - one dry and one to put in ice water chest. Also prepare water bottle to hydrate and cool down insides of body.
Step 11 - continue hacking, pull up another plant. Decide that you need medical attention for blister that formed and popped do to tight grip on pick ax handle to prevent pick ax blade from slipping down handle. Wash hands, apply first-aid ointment, put on gauze, and wrap hand in 100-year-old first aid tape. Walk outside and return for gloves, which seems like a good idea.
Step 12 - continue hacking and pull up a few more plants. In between, go sit down in folding chair that has splotches of various painting projects on it, get cold wet towel and apply to face/neck/head and drink cold drink.
Step 13 - text Matt the Landscaper and ask him if his helpers want to make some excellent money by pulling out rest of plants. Imagine him rolling on the floor laughing at the thought of my pulling up said plants.
Step 14 - watch as sun makes it's way over the house so that backyard is fully brightened by full sun. Decide it is time to call daughter and get her to bring over lunch. Cool down with towel/drink.
Step 15 - try to hack down one last plant, but decide that time, temperature, and old age are no match for summer sun. Leave everything somewhere in the back yard and hope that Matt takes pity on the elderly and brings friends to help.
So there you have it - Luanne - 0, Liriope - 1. Oh well, at least I have five feet liriope-free!
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Today's blessings: Partnering with Lucy at butt camp; liriope yanking; Maribeth bringing lunch; Pinkberry with Sam, Lindley, and Steve; Steve making Edam grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner
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