Strange Bedfellows

My grandmother used to say she woke up with Arthur Itis. (What can I say about Southern humor?) As my years increase, I am realizing what she meant. Apparently I met Arthur's cousin, Tendon Itis, in Minnesota, and brought him back with me. Unfortunately, the Itis family is just one of those who seem to be moving in with me.

For instance, there's Minnie Pause (sorry, kids - you might want to skip this one). Minnie moved in when Aunt Flo moved out. Flo had her friends, but Minnie brings her backup girls - Ima Hot Flash and Moo-Dee Ness. Ima obviously wants new sheets, as she continues to suggest taking my legs out under the covers, then back in - out, in - out, in - in an attempt to wear the sheets out. Moo-Dee just doesn't give a crap - oh wait, maybe she does now - nope, she doesn't.

Minnie wants to claim she's "liberating" me, which has its advantages. However, there is a price to pay, that being her boyfriend, Bi Polar. In other words, he offers her support by providing sweating/freezing, highs/lows, crying/laughing, screaming/whispering, and dozing/mania, sometimes in the space of five minutes. Obviously he and Moo-Dee have a thing going on.

There's also Harry Chen. One day I look in the mirror, and there he is, his little black self, sprouting in various places on my lower face. My laser hair lady says not to pluck, as your body obviously wants to have hair in that location (and she retains her job). My question is, why does he move in now? Shouldn't I have the freedom at 50 to stop plucking? Why can't Harry move to another location, like some bald guy's head?

Then there's Memree Loss. At least I think that's her name. She moved in one day when I was driving to the store. I think. Only I found myself headed in the opposite direction of the store. It really didn't matter anyway, because when I finally got to the store, I forgot what I was going for. I would have turned around and gone home, but Memree's best friend, Aydee Dee pointed out the bookstore, which I headed for, but then she showed me another place that I stopped at. I would tell you what it was, but I forgot.

I can't forget to mention Watcha Eaton. This character has taken up residence in my digestive system. He decides which things I should no longer consume. However, the sadist refuses to mention his preferences to me until AFTER the offending food has been sent down to his department. Apparently Watcha has been taking lessons from Moo-Dee, as he gets extremely angry when the wrong food comes down. He chooses to express his anger in often violent and unpleasant ways. He obviously needs a therapist.

I'm sure there are lots more where these guys come from. I've heard they come from places like He Ring Loss and Falls Teeth, but I'm hoping not to go there. In the meantime, I'll just share the space with my present bedfellows. My new best friend, Am Pulbut, assures me there is plenty of room in her space, and can make more if needed.

And they say I can't make friends!!