I Support Capital Punishment

For snakes anyway. Today as I was out for my walk, guess who I saw in my mulch? Mat the Snake. At least I think it was him. He looked like Mat the Snake, although he appeared to have a shorter body. Could this be Mat the Snake Jr.? This is not comforting news to me. I do not know the sex lives of snakes or their reproductive capabilities, nor do I wish to know. I do not want snakes in my yard, period.

So, being a fan of Law and Order, I have put Mat the Snake on trial, have judged and sentenced him. I have convicted him of unlawful trespassing and poaching, and attempted murder (of me either by his poisonous bite or the heart attack that will result when he surprises me as I am planting pretty flowers).

I realize he may be doing good by eating bugs or something like that. However, he is doing nothing about the moles that continue to wreak havoc on my yard. I also am planning to plant in his current subdivision of my yard and am not interested in his opinion of my plant choice. I'm not even sure if he can differentiate between my hand and a mouse that he might choose to eat. He probably has issues, and I don't know if he's seen a therapist. Maybe he hates people.

At any rate, I have decided that he needs to go. Since he is bold enough to come out in the sun, I think he is too bold to live at my house. I am going to Home Depot for a hoe. If his neck happens to get in the way of my hoeing my yard, then he has a death wish, and it's not my fault. He looks kinda suicidal, now that I think of it.

At my trial, I shall be pleading self-defense. Please be sure and tell Jack McCoy. Hopefully he hates snakes, too.