How to Install A Kitchen Faucet

1. Get somebody else to take out the old faucet. It's probably corroded, and you probably aren't strong enough to twist and turn the old, corroded, non-working faucet.

2. Go to Home Depot and buy a really fierce-looking wrench. Or pliers. Or vice grips. You will need them, because even though you are a weakling, nobody else is at home to help you take out the old, corroded, non-working faucet.

3. Get out the hacksaw, because your new tool isn't doing the job, and maybe the old faucet will be scared when you produce the hacksaw. Never mind the fact that there is very little you can do with the hacksaw, because everything is too thick or too close together.

4. Get out the tin snips - not to snip tin, but to snip the supply lines that refuse to be unscrewd.

5. Twist, turn, snip, cut, saw, and hammer-bust the remaining pieces of the old faucet. Eventually you will get the old faucet out - it just may be in small pieces.

6. Take a break with cola of choice, chocolate of choice, and old episode of "Law and Order."

7. Read the directions. By that, I mean read the ones that pertain to the particular model you are attempting to install. Look on front of box for model number.

8. Cut off top of box with picture of faucet - will save the time of flipping back and forth from the top of the box (with picture) and the inside of box (with parts).

9. Study pictures that accompany the directions. You will still put stuff on backwards, but at least you have the right parts. They're just on backwards.

10. When things don't seem to fit right, ignore the situation. Pretend that (a) that's the way they're supposed to be, and/or (b) once it's all put together, it will work out. Neither of these possibilities will be true, but at least you'll save yourself from frustration points.

11. Accept that things are on backwards when the faucet reaches the bottom of the sink instead of over the sink. Readjustment won't be too hard - you need a few other tools, like a piece of hard plastic cord cover.

12. Finally, adjust the screws, turn on the water supplies, and test the system. More than likely, you've done it all correctly and you have water - in the sink, not on the floor.

Now, about that slow toilet ...

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Today's blessings: Installing new kitchen sink faucet, concrete step dude and lady, picking up Lindley at day care with Steve, Maribeth, and Mathieu