Why I Will Never Be A Swamp Person

I spent three hours tonight watching "Swamp People" on The History Channel. This is not a scary movie a'la "Swamp Thing." Instead, it is a documentary of sorts about people who hunt gators - as in alligators. After my extensive study of these people, I realize I will not be able to join their ranks. Here's why:

1. I prefer wearing underpants. It would appear that Big Dude doesn't wear any under his overall-shorts. How do I know this? Enough of Big Dude's midsection is viewable, and there is no indication of any kind of waistband.

2. I cannot do two things at once, like stand up in a boat and shoot a gun. Especially at a moving, rolling target, like an alligator. The other option (boat job) is to wrassle the alligator, using my bare hands holding onto a rope that is hooked into the moving, rolling, pissed-off alligator's mouth.

3. I do not smoke. Although if I had to do this for a living, I am certain I would start smoking. Any and all kinds of smokable things.

4. I do not hold on to the belief that a life jacket is going to save me, should I fall off the gator-huntin' boat. All that will do is keep me a floating bait for the big-uns (as in gators) that are waiting to bite my appendages off.

5. I prefer bubble baths to Clorox baths. Apparently, because gator-gettin' is a really smelly job, one dude pours Clorox in his bathwater to bathe in. Ouch.

6. Bugs. There has to be about a billion where the hunting (?) fishing (?) spots are. If there's anything worse than alligator bites, it's got to be bug bites. And there is probably poison ivy/oak/sumac in there, also. Yeah, I'm too dainty to be out in the wilderness.

7. Raw meat. Apparently you have to handle this stuff to put on the hooks, then you have to hang the hooks in the trees, or on sticks that you put in the water. Then the next day you have to come back to see if you hooked anything, but the raw meat may still be there. Big icky.

8. I lived in Baton Rouge for a few months, so I recognize Cajun when I hear it. But I don't speak it. And since my English is often garbled, I would probably need an interpreter. So the Cajun could unna-stan me.

9. It looks scary. And I don't do scary.

10. Every time they "put an alligator down" and pull him into the boat, all I see is Louis. And I do "do Disney." So, Louis's friend and families will have no threat from me.

So, in conclusion, I shall never be a swamp person. And I'm sure all the swamp people are breathing a sigh of relief with that news!!

_______________________________________________________________________

Today's blessings: Electric contractor dude; beautiful fall leaves; getting a few things accomplished