All you have to do is get a colonoscopy. Let's start at the beginning.
The year of my 50th birthday, I went to my gynecologist for my annual checkup. She casually asked if I had scheduled my colonoscopy, apparently the "thing" for all 50-year-olds to do. There are many other things I could think about doing, but I listened and said I'd look in to it - just didn't say when. She gave me the card of her favorite butt-doctor (probably has a specialist name, but I like to get to the point).
Every yearly checkup since that year, Dr. N asked me again if I had had my coly (again - my term - certainly more interesting). And each year I reply, "No, but I'm going to." Last year I even mentioned reading about "virtual colonoscopies" just to through her off my trail. But no - she's read up on them and even knew someone who did those (a virtual doctor, I guess).
Anyhoo, about a month ago, Marilyn told me that a friend of hers (that I also know) was recently diagnosed with colon cancer. So, I decide to take the plunge. Or should I say have the plunge take me. I did, and here's my report:
First I had to get a doctor. Luckily for me, my gyno Dr. N gave me the business card of a good one - Dr. S. At least I assumed he was good - Dr. N is the best and I would probably do whatever she suggested. Or at least consider it, since I considered Dr. S for two years (more on that in another step).
Next you have to schedule an appointment. I didn't know what kind of appointment I would need to make. Would I say that I needed a camera up my butt, and when do they do that? Or would I say I want the "50 Year Old Fart Factory Special'? Just what does one request? I decided to just lay my cards on the table and say, "I need to schedule a colonoscopy." Apparently that worked, because the receptionist said, "Ok. You will need to see the doctor first," and scheduled me an appointment a few weeks later.
The day eventually came that I was going to meet the doctor. This was a good idea, since I expected my first meeting would be when he came into the "procedure room" wearing waders and heavy-duty Platex gloves, and carrying a garden hose. So, on the appointed (or appointment) day, I head off to the doctor's office. I was way ahead of the curve, since I had already googled the directions (that were conveniently printed on the card Dr. N gave me) to the office and knew where I was going. Of course, I pass the building on the first go, but I turned around and was promptly at the address. The building had free valet parking, so I gave my keys to Valet Dude and quickly headed to the second floor.
Upon reaching Office 203, I notice on the door that this office is for "Cornea Specialists." After studying the card a few more times, I realize I am indeed at the correct office. I wonder if there are indeed doctors who specialize at both ends of the human body. I decide probably not, and head back downstairs to the building directory, only to find there is no Dr. S in the building. So I call the number on the card and ask for the address - which I get, and off I head for my new destination, which I already know where it is, because Dr. N's office is in the same building.
Eventually I park the car myself and manage to find the correct office. I mention to the receptionist that I went to the other address and she says, "We haven't been in that office in several years." About the same amount of time that I've procrastinated about making the appointment.
I fill out the forms and am soon ushered in to the exam room. I'm wondering what will be examined - do they have to make measurements so they know what size instruments to use? I don't have to wonder long, because Dr. S comes in. We chat, mostly about colonoscopies, and then he says he will send in the nurse to make the big appointment. She comes in with papers, we make the appointment, and she gives me the instructions and prescription for "THE COLONOSCOPY PREP."
I have heard all the horror stories about the colonoscopy prep. I am figuring it's basically drinking Elmer's Glue. The orange instruction sheet tells me I am going to have to mix it up, so already I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to mix it up in, and if I will want to keep the mixing container once it's done. But as soon as I get home, I pull a Scarlett O'Hara, and decide to think about it another day, because I am going to Disney World.
I live in denial until Monday after my return, when I decide I need to purchase THE COLONOSCOPY PREP. I go to Walgreen's and hand in my prescription. I figure the pharmacy techs giggle every time they get one of these - I probably would. I tell her I will wait and shop around in the store. I decide I will buy some swimming goggles, so when I check out, I have this ginormous container of what is something akin to antifreeze, a box of Ducolax, and swimming goggles.
On the day before the actual colonoscopy, you have to do two things: go on a liquid diet and the prep. The liquid diet is easy - you get clear liquids and Jello. The prep is this: you swallow two Ducolax, then two more two hours later. After about an hour, you start drinking your vat of PREP MIX - 8 ounces every 10 minutes. Then you go to the bathroom and wait. Of course, I had my bathroom prepared:
Of course, I had to document all my drinks, since I had to consume an 8-0unce glass full of goo every 10 minutes. One of my issues was that I needed to pick up Lindley at 3:30 pm, and I had "Beauty and the Beast" tickets that night. So, I started earlier than the orange instruction sheet said. But everything seemed to work out. Literally.
I made it to pick up Lindley and to the play. When we got back home after the play, I had a few more chasers (literally) to make sure everything would be a go for today.
Steve and I headed for the surgery center this morning, I checked in, and soon was called back to the "getting ready room." Here Nurse #1 checked all my info, inserted the first IV line then decided it wasn't good enough, pulled it out, and inserted the second (and better) IV line. She gave me my gown, hat, and complimentary socks and then brought Steve in. Soon Nurse #2 came in and went over the same info as Nurse #1 and wheeled me back to "the room."
At first glance, it looked like the equipment supply room, because of all the gadgets hanging around. Nurse #2 gives me the "good medicine" (which wasn't so great at the end) and Nurse #3 opens a cabinet of things that look akin to something my brother might use in scuba diving. Maybe the good medicine had started to take effect, because I'm wondering if Dr. S is going to show up in flippers. Alas, he doesn't - he's in his business casual, he says something akin to "Howdee do," and we get started. I assume the position, and realize I will get to watch TV. Of course it's the Colon Channel. At one point, I think, "WHAT THE CRAP IS THAT?!!" (which of course, it is). Anyhow, soon the show is over and Nurse #4 is wheeling me back to the "get ready to go home room."
Only for me, it's the "I feel sick" room. I don't feel so great - I'm hot and want to barf - which I do, which grants me some more meds for nausea that was caused by the "good medicine". I get crackers and Diet Coke and eventually feel better, which means I can get dressed and leave. By this time, a thunderstorm has developed outside, so Steve has to retrieve the car and bring it to the tunnel, where Nurse #4 can wheel me. Which is good, because I knew there would be no walking without barfing and fainting at that point.
I manage to make it home to the carport, where I promptly offer back up the Diet Coke and crackers into the handy little tray I also received as part of my colonoscopy package. Once that happened and I got a nap, life seemed good again.
So, it wasn't so bad. The beginning and middle were bearable - it was just the end that kinda sucked. My report was good - I don't have to return for five years. And I did get pictures of my healthy colon - you just won't see them here. You'll just have to wait for our 2010 Christmas card!
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Things that make today great: good colonoscopy and report; Steve's help and suppport; picking up Lindley at day care; Molly bringing me a diet coke
1 comment:
On my "To Do" (ie. doo-doo) List :)
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