Sunday, August 10, 2008

School Supply Season

Tomorrow public school begins in Nashville. During the past few days, I've seen groups of children and parents shopping for school supplies. It's been three years since I resigned from teaching fifth grade, yet every August since then I am deeply moved by the sight of children choosing just the right pencil and paper.

My heart breaks a little because I wish I could be their teacher. I wish I was going to be the one waiting to meet them and spend a year of their lives with them. I wish I was going to be the one to take them from one level of education to the next. I wish I was going to be the one that was going to help them grow mentally and emotionally. I wish I was the one who was going to argue with them, mediate their spats with classmates, reprimand their behavior, wipe their tears, receive their hugs, and just love them. I wish I was going to be the one who would be forever changed for having them in my life.

But then I remember why I chose to stop teaching. I remember how my job became more clerical than educational. I remember how I couldn't do what I needed to do for my students because I had to do what was required by the central office. I remember how all I wanted to do was teach, yet on many days, teaching was the last thing I had time to do.

I guess I just couldn't manage it all. I couldn't manage all the administrative, educational, behavioral, and personal demands and still be the teacher I wanted to be. I never wanted to become that "bad" teacher everyone wished would quit or retire, and when I felt myself headed down that path, I resigned. I just couldn't continue working so hard to be the teacher I wanted to be and feeling I was missing the mark. Maybe I took the easy way out - but I just couldn't do less than my best for something I loved so much.

I've never regretted my decision, but I do miss the reason every true teacher chooses this path - the students. I miss the difficult ones, the smart ones, the quiet ones, the struggling ones, the comedic ones, and the ones you think you'll never reach - but somehow you do. I miss them all.

I won't be their teacher this year. But maybe every time I see them shopping, or playing on the playground during my wogs, or on a field trip, or just living life as a child, I can quietly wish them well. I can offer a prayer for them and their teachers and hope this school year turns out to be one of their best. And while I'm at it, I can offer a prayer myself - a prayer of thanksgiving for all those precious children that I once called my students, when I had the privilege of being their teacher.

1 comment:

Kat said...

My parents are both teachers, so I have a very special place in my heart for all educators. Dad has taught 4th-6th grade since 1972 (still in his first job out of college!) and I know well how "politics" can take a toll on "effective teaching." I commend you for putting the students, their education and your own values first. More teachers should know when to say when.

Rachel starts Kindergarten on Monday, so we did our school supply shopping last weekend. It's a very big step for Mommy (oh, yeah, and Rachel, too!) and I can only pray that the teacher she gets this year will care as much about teaching and her students' well-being as you have.