Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Once Upon A Time I Had A Baby

It was the first one I ever had, so I had a huge learning curve. It started out with all those books and classes I took. For instance ...

I took Lamaze classes. They said that if I breathed correctly, labor and delivery wouldn't hurt. They lied.

Lamaze also said if I breathed correctly, I wouldn't need drugs. By the time I birthed that 9 pound baby, I would have taken any drug they offered (which they didn't).

The pediatrician and the baby books said that the baby would nurse about 30 minutes and sleep a couple of hours. They lied. The baby nursed for two hours and then slept for 30 minutes.

The hospital sent me home with the baby, thinking I knew what I was doing. I lied. Obviously I had no idea of what I was doing. The baby got jaundice and we had to go back to the hospital for blood tests and I had to put him on formula until he turned pink again and I had no idea of what I was supposed to do. My sister came down to help and almost succeeded in burning down the house (she was boiling baby bottles and we all fell asleep).

The baby kept growing and I kept reading books and the baby didn't follow what the books said he should be doing (I guess because the baby couldn't read). The baby would only run a fever on the weekends when the doctor's office was closed and I had to decide whether to take him to the ER or not (this was before Minute Clinic). Of course, the one time I decided to wait until Monday was the time his eardrum burst and the pediatrician told me that the baby's ear felt like it was a hot poker poking in his ear. Because I didn't have enough guilt already.

Anyhow, somehow the baby managed to grow up, and acquire two sisters along the way (neither of which followed any rules from the experts/books or any of the same patterns that their brother had). Nevertheless, in spite of my (lack of) parenting skills, they managed to grow up to be quite brilliant adults. But it all had to start somewhere, and in this case, it started with Sam, 34 years ago today.

Lucky me!

Today is a gift because: Sam's birthday (but don't wish him a happy birthday); lazy day; getting new eyeglasses; watching a Redbox movie (The Equalizer) and an oldie dvd (My Fellow Americans)

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