Tuesday, September 9, 2014

LaLa D - Movie Critic

So for the last week, KB and I have been on a movie marathon with Molly, who decided that we (KB and I) needed to watch all the Avenger-related movies.  Of course she has seen them all, which was extremely helpful, since KB and I had difficulty understanding parts of many of them.  If you add into the mix the movies we watched in the ship's movie theater and the ones on the television in our rooms, we became very well-versed in the movie business.  And since my opinion is so valuable to you, I thought I would list the movies I saw and my thoughts on them.

First we'll cover the Avenger series.  I will list them in the order I can remember them - hopefully they are in the right order they were made, although we did see Captain America 2 (or whatever it was called) before we saw Iron Man 3.  Or was it Thor 2?  Forget any order - I'm just going to list them as I remember them.  Anyway ...

Iron Man 1 - It may be titled just Iron Man.  Tony Stark becomes Iron Man.  It's the oldest movie, so you've probably already seen it anyway.  It was good and I liked it.  I didn't try to make any sense out of what he creates or how that thing in the middle of his chest runs, which served me well for the rest of the movies.

Thor 1 - I'm not sure what the actual name of that movie is.  The ship didn't have it anyway, so Molly just read us the synopsis.  Thor comes to Earth but I forgot why or how.  Natalie Portman plays some scientist girl that Thor apparently loves.  Loki is Thor's brother but only through adoption.  Thor lives in some other realm.  He leaves Natalie Portman at the end of the movie.  Or so I was told ...

Captain America 1 - Weakling boy wants to join the army, but is too weakling, so scientist gets him in some experiment which turns him into Captain America.  This takes place in the 40s maybe?  But then he gets frozen and gets unfrozen in the modern age.  He has a good friend that dies before Captain America gets frozen.  Since at the time I'm writing this (and you know what day that is) all the plots are blurring together, so all I can remember is that he fights somebody, I believe it was some dude with a big red face that was also involved in scientific experiments.  And maybe Tony Stark's dad had a role in this.

Iron Man 2 - ummmm - Tony Stark does more Iron Man stuff and fights more people and puts Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) in charge of Stark enterprises.  Iron Man is also getting sick from the electromagnet chest medallion than he has implanted in his chest that he made in an arts and crafts class in a cave when he was a prisoner, so he comes up with a new device.  Maybe from some new magic crystal or something.

The Avengers - Iron Man, Captain America, and Thor are joined by Samuel L. Jackson Nick Fury (or Nick Furry as I prefer to call him), Black Widow,  The Hulk and The Hawk (or is it Hawkeye - it's Jeremy Renner) and they fight bad guys.  I think Loki shows back up and at the end a portal is opened back up and ETs come down from Thor's world and start messing up NYC until Iron Man goes up the portal to put something there that blows it up or something and closes it up.  Or something.  All these movies have some sort of bright light gem that's full of power.  And everybody wants it.  But people hide it.  And Loki has a staff with a gem on it.  But I'm not sure when that gets introduced.

Iron Man 3 - Iron Man is all creeped out because of what happened in NYC, going up in the portal and all, so he can't sleep.  So he created a bunch of Iron Man suits.  Meanwhile Pepper Potts/Gwyneth Paltrow is in charge of Stark Enterprises and lives with Iron Man.  But because he's all weirded out, she's not sure if she can stick around.  Meanwhile an old friend of hers comes to get some money for his scientific breakthrough which basically alters people's DNA so that they have fire in their blood, or something like it.  Because they blow up.  Anyhow, Gwyneth says no thanks but ends up getting kidnapped by the dude.  After Tony Stark's house gets blown to bits.  Ben Kinglsey plays a terrorist who wants to destroy the USA, but it really an actor who is playing that role because the fire-in-the-blood dude/kidnapper wants to make people believe there is a bad guy afoot, even though the blood/fire dude is the bad guy. Iron Man's good army buddy also has an iron man suit but fireblood kidnapper steals it and tries to blow up the President of the USA because the VP of the USA is in cahoots.  Meanwhile fireblood kidnapper puts fireblood DNA into Pepper Potts but doesn't kill her even though she falls in the big fire.  Iron Man Army Friend gets back the army iron man suit and the real Iron Man remote controls all his extra Iron Man suits and they all come together and destroy all the fireblood people.  Then Iron Man destroys all the extra suits.  And Pepper gets surgery to get rid of her fireblood.  And Iron Man gets surgery to get out all the shrapnel so he doesn't have to wear that electromagnet thing in his chest.

Thor 2 - Natalie Portman goes to London and finds a portal where stuff like her phone and tin cans disappear.  Some bad other dimension dudes are in search of some magic power something that ends up going into Natalie Portman.  Thor comes to rescue her (or maybe she portals up) and they stay in the other dimension for awhile. There's some deal about the seven dimensions (or moons or something) all coming together so people can travel between all of them and if the big bad dude can get the magic power stuff out of Natalie Portman and into him and goes through all these dimensions, then he can control everything.  Whatever everything is.  Meanwhile Loki has been in prison but Thor gets him out so they can go fix everything.  Which they do.  And all Loki ever wanted to be was king, but he dies.  But at the end when Thor is telling his king daddy that he (Thor) doesn't want to be king, then daddy says okay, but when Thor turns away, the kind turns into Loki, who can do that sort of thing.  Whatever that sort of thing is.

Captain America 2 And The Dark Night.  Or the Universal Soldier - it definitely was Captain America 2.  And He was also with someone - I just don't exactly remember who.  Anyhow, Captain and Black Widow have to go rescue some USA people who have been hijacked in some ship.  Black Widow has to get the hard drive info off the ship computer.  They come back to America.  Captain runs in DC and keeps running faster than a black dude.  Robert Redford is some big wig security person who conferences with hologram leaders of the world.  Then people try to kill Nick Samuel L Jackson Furry and it looks like they succeed.  Captain America and Black Widow are blamed for it, or for something and have to go find out what is on the info that Black Widow got off the ship.  But it's encrypted, so they have to go to some deserted army bunker where a scientist from one of these other movies was turned into a computer.  Then the army or somebody finds them and blows up the bunker but CA and BW escape and end up at the black runner dude's apartment, who turns out to be an army dude who has mechanical wings and can fly - I think he becomes Bluebird or somebody. Anyhow, Robert Redford is building these great big attack planes in order to kill a bunch of influential people so he can become king of the world.  Except Black Widow and Captain America and Bluebird and Nick SLJ Furry (yes - he's alive!!) stop him and save the world.  I think this is when they destroy all evidence of the Avengers and The Justice League (or whatever they're all a part of) but that could have been in some other movie.  At the end, they all go off somewhere to regroup.  At least until next May, when Avengers 2 opens in a theater near you.

Guardians of the Galaxy - this is somehow connected to the Avengers movie, but it hurts my brain to try to think about it.  This was the biggest mess of them all - and yes, I know it's uber-popular and is making a zillion billion dollars.  In the beginning, Chris Pratt gets abducted when he runs out of the hospital where his mom just died.  Then you see him grown up and trying to steal some energy thing that he puts in a globe holder.  There's a lot of people and aliens and colors and relationships and a raccoon and a tree.  There's bandits and bad guys and prisoners and Glenn Close. They want this shiny ball thing and the uber bad guys try to destroy Glenn Close's city but Chris Pratt and Zoe Saldana and the racoon and the tree and some big guy save the world.  And they do, thus making them the Guardians of the Galaxy.

Other movies we saw:

I Became A Computer - with Johnny Depp.  I forgot the actual name because it was weird.  Johnny Depp gets shot with a radiation-laced bullet and they save him in a computer.  But he gets powerful and the good computer people want to kill him with a computer virus.  In the end, the good computer destroy everything on line.  So at the end of the movie, there is very little electricity or phone lines on Earth.  And there are laptops and cellphones in the trash all over.

Spiderman 2 - Spiderman fights bad guys.  His girlfriend dies (but this isn't Kirsten Dunst but the girlfriend before Kirsten Dunst, who isn't even mentioned in the old Spiderman movies because having his girlfriend die would be too depressing, according to Wikimolly).  Anyhow, his childhood best friend is sick and needs Spiderman's blood but he doesn't get it so the friend turns into a bad guy. Spiderman is depressed about his girlfriend dying, but comes around to save the world in the end.

Single Moms Club - a bunch of single moms with problems join together and work out their problems.  And Tyler Perry is in it.  Because it's his movie.  At least there were no aliens or killing or portals.

Malificent - Angelina Jolie is a fairy who falls in love with a cad who really wants to live in the castle and cuts off her wings so the king will pass over the kingship and his daughter.  Angelina is mad, so when King Stephan's daughter is born, Angelina does the spinning wheel curse.  But she watched Aurora grow up and becomes friends with her, until Aurora finds out the back story and gets upset and goes back to the castle, where King Stephan is preparing an iron trap for Angelina and then Aurora sticks her finger.  Angelina comes to the castle, fixes the curse, helps King Stephan to his end, and fixes Aurora for life.  And she gets her wings back.

Hours - dude's wife dies during childbirth.  In New Orleans.  Hurricane Katrina arrives.  Everybody evacuates hospital except dude and his baby daughter because baby needs incubator for 36 hours.  Power goes out and dude has to crank incubator.  Bad guy tries to rob dude but gets shot.  Dog lead rescuers to dude and baby who can breathe now on her own.  The End.

Divergent - there's this place (the USA?) where there was a big war and  some people live behind a big wall.  When the kids get to be teenagers, they have to decide which social club they want to belong to.  There's the worker people, the fighter people, the smart people, and some other groups that aren't important (also, these clubs have names, but I don't remember them).  Anyhow, Shailene Woodley (or something like that) has a brother and dad and Ashley Judd is her mom.  It's her turn to get tested and finds out that she's DIVERGENT, which means she should be in all the clubs, but Kate Winslett who's in charge of something like another computer DNA program, wants to kill all the DIVERGENTS because she says they disrupt the system but really deep down she knows that they're the best and she (Kate) is probably just jealous.  Anyhow Shailene chooses the fighter group and has to jump on a train and then jump through a building and then learn to fight.  Eventually they all get injected with Kate's DNA serum and they're supposed to go kill all the worker people but Shailene and her boyfriend Tattoo Dude (who was injected but comes out of it because while he is trying to shoot Shailene in the head, she tells him to look at her and he snaps out of it, as any man would) manage to defeat all the bad dudes and inject Kate to stops the program and wipes the system.  Then Shailene and her buds have to escape to DIVERGENTLAND because now everybody is going to be after them.  And apparently there are two more sequels to be made.

Moms Night Out - or something like that.  Moms go out, dads have kids, something happens to one, moms go looking for them.  I didn't really sit down and watch it, but that's basically what happens.  In the end, the baby is found and everybody lives happily ever after and go bowling.

The 100 Yard Journey - the last movie we watched.  Helen Mirren owns fancy french restaurant.  Indian family opens Indian restaurant across the road.  Indian son wants to learn to cook french and gets a job at Helen's place and is really good and gets famous and returns home to run Helen's place.  No killing, no portals, no unintelligible story line.  Molly hated it.

I'm sure there were more movies, but that's all I can remember.  Because in between the movies, we ate, thus putting us into food comas where we forgot everything.  And that's what happens when we cruise!!
Today was a gift because:  Lindley and Everley time; UP sendoff party at KB's office; suitcase unpacked; bills caught up

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